I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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