i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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