I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
