Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
