We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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