I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
