my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize