I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
