I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
