I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize