Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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