Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
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