I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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