i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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