He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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