so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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