She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
