history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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