On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize