How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
