you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm too high and old for this...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize