i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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