Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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