She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
