This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
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