I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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