I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
