A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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