I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
