tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
