Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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