remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Soap is not a condiment
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
