your parents love me but you hate me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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