Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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