i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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