he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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