im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
