My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
