I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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