dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
