apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
