I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
