she woke up with a sticky ear
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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