Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
