New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize