The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
