how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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