i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We had sex on a dog bed..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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