Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
