I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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