My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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