you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Shame is for Republicans.
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