you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
