the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
