Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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