that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
