paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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