she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
People in love make me want to vomit
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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