Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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