Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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