you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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