I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dear god my vagina.
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