dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize