there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
