For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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