my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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