a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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