dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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