all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
