Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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