My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
