cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
